A sad day
I miss my mom. I miss talking to her on the phone. Just listening to her talk about how her day went, what she did last weekend, which friends not friends with the friend anymore, and the list goes on. I wish I could hear her voice or laugh once again. I wish I could tell her how happy I am and see her reaction. Its totally different when you don’t actually get a response to someone you try to talk to. I know she’s watching me from heaven. Shes probably shaking her head in heaven saying that im such a mischief, trouble maker… then laugh. Again, she knows im happy. I wish I could tell her… that im in love and that I want to marry this man…. have children with him…and that this time, he treats me well and not to worry because im just so sure that she will like him. im sure she will panic and ask me if I’m sure about this one this time around, “how are we going to tell dad?”and this time, ill have a totally different answer. It will be yes, im sure. I can just imagine her being in a stage of denial, disbelief, acceptance and happiness, all in a span of two minutes. But she will be happy for me.
I remember when we have arguments… she always said, “its just you and me, (shakes her head, bows down and her face really disappointed) you and me… we’re the ones who are going to stick it thru… we need to rely on each other…” Now there won’t be a we …mom’s in heaven, im here… it hurts to know that she’s gone… it pains me that I cannot share my happiness with her, to hear her telling me to stay calm in all of this “Journey”. She stays calm, graceful, and all smiles. While deep inside she gets all excited about the fact her beh is finally grown-up. The only time I heard her say that was when i picked myself up after being left with 18cents in my savings account and not ask her for a single penny. she offered to help but i told her that i got myself into that mess and i will get myself out of it. she said it with so much pride in her voice and that alone gave me strength not to let her down, to keep my pride and to stand up after all the drama that i have been thru.… I wish i could hear her say that one more time. this time on a different note, in a totally different situation… with just as much pride but together with it would be joy. I can just imagine all the things mom’s going to do for me on my “big day”…. it feels good just thinking about it. that just made me smile a bit. Then again, i go back to missing mom.
I miss you mama… I know you can read my mind and listen to all that I want to say deep inside. And I know you’re going to say that everything is going to be all right… I just wish I could hear that, see you smile, hug you and thank you for everything and let you know that I am in good hands…. Im sure you know all of this. you of all people know, by just looking at me, not a word said, yet everything understood. I just really really wish that you were here mama…. I miss you so much. i love you.